Well, Kath Day,
if you don't say so yourself, you're on top of the world right now.
Your prince charming has finally arrived.
You're having the wedding you always dreamed of. You've got buns of steel.
Everything is just clicking.
Well, not everything.
Instead of spending another day on the couch,
why don't you come with me to the bridal expo?
I can't go out while I'm in the middle of a nasty public divorce.
Plus I have to watch TMZ. They're gonna show Suri's new haircut.
Word is Katie did it herself.
I have a newsflash for you, young lady.
You are not gonna knock me off my a-game. I have a dream
wedding to plan and I am stresse to the nines as it is.
I know. It shows. You look 100.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing. I'm just saying you look old.
- Hey! How's my future old lady? - See?
Jeez, Kath.
You and Mr. Sandman had a little stand-off last night.
I know, Phil. I couldn't sleep a wink last night. I was
tossing and turning trying to think of the song
we're gonna play or the first dance at our wedding.
Ladybug, I told you. I'm not that great a dancer.
I don't know. All this talk about the first dance.
I'm feeling under pressure.
* Under pressure *
we should play that! It's perfect! If always loved that queen!
It would be so great!
I don't know, Pumpkin Puss. I'm a natural at the art of love making.
But when I hit the dance floor, I lose my groove,
- and how! - You'll be fine.
We need to think about flowers for the wedding. Of course there's
the color scheme. And then I've got to think of a wish bowl I gotta go buy.
Slow your roll, player.
You're gonna get tired just walking around here.
Thanks a lot, Phil.
Jeez.
What happened?
You called her old.
Kath and Kim 1x03 - Old -
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I just don't like you calling me old in front of Phil.
- It's not like he doesn't know. - I am not old, Kim.
40 is the new 30.
Actually, I read that 40 is back to being 40 again.
50 is the new 60.
You know, you can be very annoying.
Can you believe this?
Kim, it's so high end.
I bet they have those Jordanian almonds. I love those.
Look at that.
- That is unique. - So different.
Oh, my God. Mom!
A fountain of chocolate!
Now this has real wow factor.
- Good morning, ladies. - Good morning!
Please don't stick your finger in the fountain.
What? There's not a sign saying "don't."
It's just kind of understood. So when is your daughter getting married?
No, she's already married.
- We're "enstranged." - I'm actually the bride.
I'm gonna have a big wedding.
Pulling out all the stops.
Princess for day. The whole nine.
You know, we do have a mature brides section.
Lots of bridal suits.
I don't know why everyone thinks it's so odd that woman
my age would want a big wedding.
You're shooting too high.
It's like Heather Mills in "Dancing With the Stars."
You're trying to dance with one leg.
I'm not too old to have my dream wedding, Kim.
And Phil doesn't think I'm old at all, so zip it.
That is what Deandra Douglas said about Michael
and then Catherine Zeta-Jones came along.
I should've put you on ritalin when they told me to.
I'm gonna go see Phil. I'll meet you at the Wild Pair in 20.
If you're watching Finding Nemo, you'd be, like, "there's Nemo."
I see you, Craig Baker! I see you hitting on that girl!
I'm not hitting on her. I'm helping her with her audio needs.
And by audio needs, do you mean her make-out needs?
One second. I'm sorry, okay. I'm sorry. Sorry about that.
Sorry, ma'am.
Yeah, that's what you get for having no class.
What are you looking at, dude?
I think Craig's cheating on me.
What?
Do you want me to stalk him?
You would do that for me?
Did I stuff Javier in the locker when he called you a slut?
- I do not think that's a good idea. - It's what she does.
Hi, Phil.
Right. No, I understand.
Listen, I know you have a very important job.
We'll do it another night.
Okay. All right, bye.
Don't give me that look. He has a work emergency at work.
You're sad.
I am not sad. I'm happy.
I am happy. You, Kathy, are happy.
Happiness comes to you easily and effortlessly.
Phil never cancels.
He was talking to that woman today.
He wouldn't lie to me, would he?
I'll show him.
I will not be Zeta-Jonesed-ed.
Hey, Craig!
- Angel. What's up? - Not much. Chillaxin'.
Chilling and relaxing.
Cool.
See you later.
What are you doing? You let him see you?
I've stalked every guy I've dated.
I know what I'm doing.
- I thought you were on a diet. - It's a all-candy diet.
I read that's how the Olsen Twins stay anorexic but don't die.
Yeah, I read that too.
12:00.
That's Todd. He lives next door. He's a douche.
He's a hot douche.
He's gonna be my douche.
So did you get your work emergency all settled?
Yes, I did. Thank you for asking.
Hey, those pigtails just look fantastic on you.
Maybe that's something we should add to our bedtime routine?
Why, because they make me look young?
I was at the mall yesterday and I saw you talking to a very attractive woman.
Well, I talk to a lot of women, Kath.
And you know my sandwiches draw a very good-looking crowd.
That's how you walked into my life, via my Italian sub.
I think we should jog. Walking is for old heads.
I can't believe what I'm hearing. You love to speed walk.
It's low impact, high benefit,
- real easy on the eyes. - I'm gonna jog.
That's an angry-looking ankle. It's fine.
If that stupid ponytail hadn't fallen off, I never would've slipped.
I found it. It was in a puddle.
- Just throw it out. - Yeah?
Yeah.
I like the view.
You know, a little afternoon delight could make my ankle feel better.
I'd like nothing more...
I'd like nothing more than to ravish you till the cows come home.
But I do have an appointment.
- Another appointment? - You get some rest.
I'll call you.
This new cut has all the young heads goin'crazy right now.
So if you're not too old, get up and turn your TV to blast!
Angel, why aren't you picking up the phone?
The next time I stalk Craig, I'm gonna do it myself.
Wassup?
What, are you going to Snoop Dogg's house in, like, 1996?
No, I'm going to a very in-demand DJ's
crib to get all up in his grill
and preview some mad school riffs,
so check it with the baditude.
What?
This is my fiancée, Kath Day. Soon to be knight.
This is Sherri. Soon to be eating a very terrific
lean pastrami on rye.
- It's nice to meet you. - Is it?
Excuse us, Sherri.
Sherri seems single.
I wouldn't know.
I can't take my eyes off of you with that snazzy outfit on.
You like it?
Not only do I like it,
I like what's in it too.
Really?
Yeah.
Cause I was thinking maybe we could have some hip-hop at the wedding. I met this
great DJ today. His real name is Devin.
His DJ name is 2scandalous.
He's only 15 years old, but I really think this kid can busta rhymes.
Hip hop?
Boy, isn't that a little.
Are you gonna say young?
Well, we don't want anyone to break a hip... hop.
I am so sick and tired of people
telling me that I'm too old to do this or that.
Maybe you think I'm too old to get married. Maybe that's the problem.
- It's not a problem. - Isn't it?
Well, maybe Sherri's the problem.
You know I can't leave the Island!
- What, you don't answer your phone? - I've been busy.
Todd got a FedEx. I had to steam it open, glue it you know the deal.
- Have you seen Craig? - Yeah,
- Craig didn't come home last night. - What?
Guys are dogs. What did you expect?
Todd just left. Gotta go through his garbage.
You're supposed to be stalking Craig, not Todd!
I have a life, Kim!
I've never seen you eat Doritos.
It's creepy.
What do I care?
It's not like I have to fit into a wedding dress.
The wedding's off.
- Really? - Really.
He was cheating?
I don't know, Kim.
You know what? I don't know anything anymore. Maybe I was shooting too high.
This old filly can't tame a stallion like Phil.
Marriage isn't all that anyway.
Doesn't matter if you're nice or...
like me,
once they think they have you, they cheat.
Craig was cheating?
He didn't come home last night.
- You know what? We should go out. - Really?
What are we doing sitting around? Let's go out. Come on.
But you can't wear that outfit. It's redonk.
Really? I think it's sharp.
No, those gold shoes are cute though.
I know. Aren't they cute? I got them on sale.
Let's go somewhere fun.
This is fun!
Two more vodka and red bulls, ab fab.
I just thought of something else.
Call him up...
And another thing, Phil. You know what?
You can just have Sherri. What do I care?
- He deserves it. - That's hardly another thing, mom.
You've already told him that three times. Come on, let's go.
I don't want to go, Kim. I love man-eaters!
Come on, let's get on the dance floor!
No, I'm tired. I've had enough gay.
Kimberly.
I am going through the dark night of my soul here
and I need to unleash my pain on the dance floor.
And you are coming with me!
Come on!
Go Kim! Go Kim! Go! Go! Go!
That's my daughter!
Okay, I danced. I'm done.
- Don't leave! Don't leave! - Come on, mom!
- That's your daughter? - Yes.
You look fabulous.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
That is so nice. You know I really appreciate you saying that.
I need that because I have been feeling so down lately.
It's, like, 6:00.
The night is young.
Yes. And so am I! Who wants to vogue?
I miss Craig.
Angel's right. I'm gonna drive him away.
I don't want him to leave me for some other skank.
What are you doing here?
You didn't come home last night. Where were you?
I was up all night loading trucks to pay for that TV you made me break.
- Really? - Yeah.
Baby, I missed you so much.
I don't know if I believe you.
You hooked up with me when you had a girlfriend.
She wasn't. She wasn't officially my girlfriend.
I was never even in her car.
And then it doesn't matter 'cause I met you.
And you were so hot and you talked all dirty and stuff.
I knew it was the real thing, dude.
I mean, Katie's a nice girl.
- But, I mean, she's not. - You remember her name?
And I hate this stupid dog!
No, come on Kim! Kim, Kim, wait. Wait.
Mother.
Kim, I don't! I swear!
This crap is getting old, Kim!
I can't afford to break anything else!
I just have to face it. My best years are in the past.
I can't blame Phil for wanting a newer model.
That's crazy.
And I'm talking Liza Loopy on Larry King crazy.
- Really? - Yes.
I mean, do you think we care what anybody thinks about us?
We know we're fabulous.
I mean, who cares what our parents or family.
Or our fiancées.
Or... anybody in this gosh-darned, mixed-up world.
Right, girls!
Kath, I...
Ladies.
How did you know where to find me?
You butt-dialed me with your cell phone.
I heard you say, "I love man-eaters."
And then I heard a 12-minute remix of Dancing Queen.
- It was good. - Why did you come?
- I came to get my lady back. - Did Sherri tell you to say that?
There's nothing going on between me and Sherri.
I've waited my whole life for a woman like you.
I'd give anything for a man to say that to me.
Who cares what people say?
We love each other. That's all that matters.
That's what Gary, Jason, and Larry have been trying to tell me.
Well, Gary, Jason, and Larry are very wise lady men.
Would you care to dance?
Really?
Sherri has been giving me dance lessons.
We traded 'em for sandwiches.
For you.
This is a national security alert!
Ground music. Flip mode. Aftermath.
Here we go!
Now why does Linda always have to mow her lawn
you and I are having wine time?
Yeah, better question. Why doesn't Mr. Linda mow the lawn?
He hasn't worked in a very long time.
Kind of reminds me of someone else I know.
- Who? Is it someone I know? - You don't know who I'm talking about?
Have you ever heard of an innuendo?
That? Cupping? Guy, yeah, He's pretty lazy.